A little oral sex advice; insecurity

I was reading the Hite Report on female sexuality yesterday, and was very interested by a few of the quotations I found.

I was, on the one hand, personally relieved to see women struggling with the same things with which I have struggled -- knowing that one is not alone or isolated is very affirming. It is part of the reason why I like to encourage people to speak freely about sexuality and their bodies, particularly women.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see so many women struggling with these issues. I was even more saddened, but not surprised, to see how their partners were responding and contributing to their insecurities and fear. Particularly in the area of cunnilingus, or oral sex in which the woman is the recipient.

The chief concerns which I saw represented will here be presented in a little how-to advice format for those of you who are going down on women. We ladies do need to empower ourselves, but I want you all (especially you guys) to know how you can help and contribute to having a sexually confident, happy, and healthy partner.

Cunnilingus givers:

Don't make fun of a woman's genitals. Ever.

A good partner treats a man's cock like it's Thor's mighty hammer. A good partner also reinforces that a woman's privates are beautiful, pleasant, and nothing like a mangled slab of pork.

(This also applies if you are talking with friends -- don't mock women who have large labia, or tiny vaginas or large clitorises or hardly any clitoris at all. Just don't do it, you ever know who you will hurt.)

Don't tell her she stinks. Don't tell her she tastes bad.

Contrary to what the people over at Summer's Eve would have people think, vaginas are not meant to smell or taste like daisies and buttercups, a sweet tropical rainforest, or a pina colada. It is far more likely that your woman will smell a little like musky socks, and taste like vinegar potato chips, a penny, potent Clover honey, or a car battery. Perhaps all four at once!

I am not telling you to suffer if your girlfriend has an unpleasant vaginal taste or smell. If she smells like baking bread or fish, she may have a bacterial infection in her vagina which requires treatment. If her smell is normal but you just can't bear it, you have a couple of options: you can pull on your big boy shorts and deal with it, or you can try to navigate the dangerous waters of telling your girlfriend about it.

Do not make it sound like an accusation. Do not make it sound like a judgment. In fact, just don't make it sound like a FACT. Most of us have had it reinforced throughout our lives that our vaginas are dirty -- they are hairy, bloody, stinky, gooey, a wound that never heals. The last thing you want to do is reinforce any of these unhappy, potentially devastating and unhealthy attitudes.

So how would you broach the conversation? Make a suggestion, and add in some praise, reassure her that you like her as a partner and appreciate her as a woman. "This is hard for me to talk about. I love going down on you, but I think I would feel more comfortable with it if you would..." Shower first, be sure to wipe well, wear cotton underwear, let it air out at night, wash your pubic hair, whatever. Make it clear that you are not repulsed or disgusted, you do not think her vagina is stinky or repugnant -- you just want to go down on her and want it to be comfortable for both of you. Don't make this about the state of her vagina -- make it about you.

(My boyfriend suggests that if you are feeling a little sneaky, bring up the possibility of showering together. It's fun, sexy, and discreet.)

Are you still sort of a jerk? Probably. But if you think there is no other option, make an effort and try to be the nicest jerk you can be.

If your girlfriend doesn't know what she can do to reduce vaginal odor, send her my way. Absolutely do not douche. I mean it!

Do not run off and start brushing your teeth or washing your face, unless your partner asks you to do so.

Vaginal fluids will not eat through your flesh. They will not rot your teeth. They will not pickle your tongue, make your hair fall out, or cause blindness.

Remember what I said about women being told how nasty our vaginas are? That vaginas are something shameful? Just what attitude do you think you are reinforcing when the moment she orgasms, you rush off to the bathroom to get the girl cooties off?

If your woman doesn't want to kiss or snuggle because you have vajayjay breath, then tend to it. Otherwise, wait a while.

Don't make this a chore. Don't use it for leverage.

Don't go down on your girlfriend and let her know that you're only doing it because you feel obligated. In fact, if you really want your girlfriend to feel secure and confident, without the slightest niggling doubt, make it clear that you really do enjoy pleasing her. Find all the things that you enjoy about cunnilingus, even if it's not the act itself, and impress upon your girlfriend that these things make you happy -- you like the way she touches your hair, the way her thighs tense up, the noises she makes, the way she feels against your tongue. If you can praise her vulva in the process, do so.

Likewise, don't go down on your girlfriend because you expect oral sex in return. Many women feel very obligated to return the favour, and have anxiety because of this. "Is he only going down on me because he wants a blowjob?" "I know he's only doing this because I did this for him." "He wouldn't do this if he didn't get something out of it for himself."
It isn't that we think you're selfish -- it's that many women are convinced that female genitals are so unpleasant to look at it, taste, smell, and touch, that there is no way you would do this without an ulterior motive.

Don't rush her.

But also, don't grunt and complain that your face hurts. Don't huff and sigh because you're in such pain from the awful chore of licking something. As noted above, many women are solidly convinced that you don't want to be doing this in the first place, and when you indicate that you are unhappy or frustrated, we become unhappy and frustrated. Begrudging and ungenerous oral sex is not fun for anyone.

Women often feel pressured during oral sex. Orgasm soon, because he doesn't want to do this anyway. Orgasm soon, because his jaw hurts and he's bored. Orgasm soon, because it's been 20 minutes already... Some women worry about you being bored, frustrated, angry, and disappointed when they don't come fast enough.

Perhaps the most powerful and interesting quotation that I read in this section of the Hite Report said (paraphrased): I want a man who will say, 'Lay back, relax. I am going to go down on you for an hour.'


Be enthusiastic, be encouraging. Revel in your partner's femininity. Communicate as openly as you can. Talk about your insecurities together. Talk to me about your insecurities. Be like Kojak and develop a lollipop habit.

Whatever you do, be kind.

- Eva

P.S. I would love to see comments or emails about this entry!