Dear Eva,
I fell asleep with my tampon in around 7pm last night and forgot to take it out until about noon today. I have been checking my temperature and everything seems normal, but I am afraid I might have TSS! What do I do?
- Worried
Naturally, for my more concerned readers, I responded to this question via email before I posted it to the blog. ;)
Worried,
The Mayo Clinic indicates that TSS almost always begins with a fever (often in excess of 102F), with headache, diarrhea, sore throat, vomiting, stomach cramps, fainting, and aching muscles. A red rash may appear all over your body and then lead to peeling of the skin over the next several days, like a sunburn. If you have a fever or these other symptoms make you believe you may have TSS, go to the doctor immediately! TSS is potentially fatal.
If you are not experiencing symptoms, it is not likely that you actually have TSS. Sleeping with a tampon in does not automatically mean that you will contract this disease, and here's why!
Toxic Shock Syndrome from tampons is a disease which occurs when prolonged tampon use allows certain bacteria to grow to dangerous levels within the vagina. The main cause of tampon-related TSS is the bacteria Staphylococcus Aureus, one strain of the illness commonly referred to as 'staph'. Though this bacteria is commonly found in the vagina, it may possibly become dangerous when a tampon promotes a warm, moist environment in which it can grow.
The US Center for Disease Control observes that, "The increased risk associated with high absorbency tampons is also poorly understood; high absorbency may be a surrogate for another effect." It is unfortunate but true that the connection between tampons and Toxic Shock Syndrome is not understood and is under-researched.
Dr. Philip M. Tierno, Jr., director of clinical microbiology and diagnostic immunology at New York University Medical Center and Mt. Sinai Medical Center in New York City, has done extensive research on the issue of tampons and TSS, and was quoted in the article by Joanna Citrinbaum in The Daily Collegian. He offers:
"Most tampons prior to 1977 were made of cotton," he added. "Post-1977, many manufacturers were trying to address a complaint that women were suffering from menstrual byproduct. Women wrote in, saying, 'make the product more absorbent.' [...Companies] had to use synthetic ingredients other than cotton. They succeeded in making a product that was very absorbent. But the vagina was affected by synthetic products and not the cotton."
It was the presence of this synthetic fibres that increased the presence of the staph bacteria. Tierno is of the opinion that companies, in order to lessen the damage done and perhaps prevent their products from being pulled from shelves, insisted that the dangerous levels of bacteria were the fault of women's misuse of tampons, rather than a result of the tampon's materials themselves.
Althugh most of the dangerous synthetic fibres have been removed from tampons, lessening the risk of toxic shock syndrome, any time there is an environment which is friendly to bacteria (like the moist and rich environment of a tampon) there is a danger that this bacteria may become overgrown.
Only three cases were reported to the US Center for Disease Control in 1998. The illness is rare and treatable with IV fluids and antibiotics.
If you are concerned about TSS, ensure that your tampons are made from unbleached cotton fibres, or you may even consider using a sea sponge tampon! These products are generally available from your local natural foods store, or you can support this blog by buying from Amazon.com via this link:
- Eva
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
World AIDS Day
Today, December 1st, is World AIDS Day. I would encourage all of you readers to take the time to look over the official World AIDS Campaign website here: http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/static/en/
- Eva
- Eva
Thursday, November 27, 2008
The Great G-Spot Debate
Possibly my longest-ever 'Ask Eva Anything' post.
The G-spot Debate
The g-spot is named after a doctor named Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynaecologist who first postulated in the 1950s that there might be a sensitive area in the vagina. Although Gräfenburg didn't offer any clinical evidence to support his theory, many books, magazine articles, and even scholarly journal studies have been published on the subject, many operating under the assumption that the g-spot exists. Despite this assumption, however, there is a great deal of debate in the scientific community regarding the g-spot.
Due to the fact that the g-spot didn't come into public consideration in 1951, the amount of study and evidence is limited. It may seem study remarkable that it is only within the past 50 years that doctors and scientists have begun to make serious study of this part of female anatomy!
Even Doctor Ruth says: "Until we get scientifically evaluated data, we cannot verify [the g-spot's] existence." Much of the evidence that we have of the g-spots existence remains anecdotal, and a great deal of relies on the connection between g-spot orgasms and female ejaculation.
In the words of Emmanuele Jannini, "It's ridiculous but true that we've waited till now to really know the female anatomy."
Vaginal Orgasms
For the purposes of this post, 'vaginal orgasm' refers to an orgasm as a result of vaginal stimulation/penetration, rather than clitoral stimulation. I'll be taking a look at the g-spot and what may cause vaginal orgasms, so I hope that helps clarify some things.
What is the g-spot?
Even here, the definition of exactly what the g-spot is varies from person to person. The general consensus is that the g-spot exists within the front (anterior) wall of the vagina, which is the side of your vagina closest to your bellybutton. According to Crooks and Baur, California, the g-spot about 1/3-to-1/2 of the way in from the vaginal opening.
Many people believe that the g-spot and the urethral sponge are one and the same. The urethral sponge is a cushion of tissue, located against the front wall of the vagina. The urethral sponge is composed of erectile tissue, similar to a man's penis or a woman's clitoris, and can swell when it becomes engorged with blood. During arousal, the sponge becomes swollen with blood, which compresses the urethra. Because the urethral sponge surroundes the urethra, many women feel an urge to urinate when the sponge is stimulated. If you've ever had that gotta-pee feeling, never fear -- the swelling of the urethral sponge actually helps to prevent urination during sexual activity, working with the PC muscle (that muscle you work doing your Kegels).
With continued stimulation of the urethral sponge, some women experience 'female ejaculation', which causes an expulsion of clear fluid. It is sometimes believed that this is the result of stimulation of Skene's glands. The Skene's glands are considered homologous with the prostate gland in men, and some believe that the Skene's glands produce a clear fluid that drains into the urethra. The clear fluid that is sometimes expelled is not urine, but it shares some common properties -- it is in fact composed of glucose, fructose (two natural sugars), prostate-specific antigent (a protein in male ejaculate, produced by the prostate glands -- this is believed to be produced by the Skene's glands in women), and very low levels of creatinine and urea, which are the two primary chemicals markers of urine.
However, it must be observed that not all women who experience vaginal orgasms also experience female ejaculation. This might be partially explained by one of the other primary views about the cause of vaginal orgasms, which does not involve the urethral sponge or the Skene's glands, or female ejaculation.
Some believe that the stimulation women feel when they have a "g-spot experience" is not the result of stimulation of the urethral sponge, but is actually a result of "clitoral arms", or clitoral crura. These exist to the left and right of the urethra, again near the urethral sponge, and extend toward the pubic bone. These 'legs' have two 'bulbs' upon which they rest. These bulbs are located around your inner labia, and the crura extend on each side above that, towards the clitoris. So many women who experience a vaginal orgasm but don't experience female ejaculate, may be experiencing an orgasm as a result of the stimulation of these clitoral legs. For this reason, some scientists believe that the g-spot doesn't exist, but rather that so-called "vaginal orgasms" are just a clitoral orgasm from another angle!
Does every woman have one?
While all women have a urethral sponge, and all women have vaginal crura, it is important to remember that everyone's anatomy is different. A scientist named Kermit Krantz dissected the genital regions of eight female cadavers in the 1950s, and found that there was "a great of variation in the way nerve endings are distributing throughout the different women's genitals." (from The Guide to Getting It On)
Does the g-spot or urethral sponge actually serve a sexual function for all women, or is this assumption a myth? Emmanuele Jannini of the University of Aquila, Italy set out to answer this question. Remember how I said that the urethral sponge was made of erectile tissue? Well, to find evidence of sexual activity in the urethral sponge and its surrounding tissues (the alleged 'g-spot'), Jannini and his team of researchers needed to find a biochemical marker of sexual function in the area -- in this case, they decided to look for PDE5, an enzyme that "chews up the nitric oxide that triggers erections." (In other words, it is my understand that if the erectile tissue is reaction sexually, it must become erect, then produce PDE5 to reduce the erection to normal.)
He and his team dissected 14 cadavers. These enzymes were, true to suspicion, clustered around the "g-spot", which confirms its role as erectile tissue. However, in two of the subjects, there was a much lower concentration of PDE5, and no Skene's glands at all. "For such women," said Jannini, "Having a vaginal orgasm is anatomically impossible."(editor's note: see my above comments about different sources of vaginal orgasms; in this case, I think that Jannini is correct that for women without Skene's glands and a small concentration of PDE5, an orgasm as a result of stimulating the urethral sponge and female ejaculation are impossible. Yes.)
In another study, eleven women were examined by two gynaecologists. They concluded that only four out of the 11 women had g-spots.
In another study, biopsies were taken from the g-spot area in four women -- but none of these revealed an increased number of nerve endings in the area.
Dr. Terence Hines, a professor at Pace University, concludes after a comprehensive review of research about the elusive area: "The G-spot will remain a sort of gynecological UFO: much searched for, much discussed, but unverified by objective means."
What can I do to locate or stimulate my g-spot?
As I said above, there is no firm evidence that every woman has a g-spot. However, because the Skene's glands are located deep within the vaginal wall, the only way to find out if you can tickle your urethral sponge and squirt, is to practice. Some women say that their g-spot (the area around the urethral sponge) feels a bit like a walnut within the vaginal wall, when they are aroused. As we learned, if you become aroused, this area may engorge with blood, and so you might feel a round bump. Some women say that their g-spot has a "rope-like" texture, a different feel from the rest of the vaginal wall. It is likely easiest to find this area when you are already aroused.
You may be able to locate your g-spot with your fingers, by inserting them into your vagina, and hooking your fingers towards your bellybutton. Or, have your partner insert their fingers into your vagina, and make a little 'come hither' wiggle.
There are vibrators with a special curve, for the purpose of helping women locate and stimulate their g-spot.
As for sexual positions, many women experience the most successful g-spot stimulation from doggie style/rear entry positions, or from woman-on-top positions, when they can lean back and rub the penis against the front wall of the vagina.
What if I don't believe I have a g-spot, but I still want to experience vaginal orgasms?
Remember: A Johnson and Masters study revealed that only 30% of women are capable of vaginal orgasms.The most sensitive parts of the vagina are near the opening. Remember those clitoral legs we talked about? Let those be your focus -- massage, rub, thrust between, and stimulate those legs. You may experience some pleasurable sensations, which might lead you to orgasm! Again, this is not successful for all women, as the clitoral bulbs and crura are not as sensitive as the clitoris itself.
I just want to orgasm from intercourse, I don't care how!
Consider putting your man in a 'high riding' missionary position. Sometimes referred to as the CAT position (CAT stands for Coital Alignment Technique), this technique doesn't allow for very deep penetration, but puts a lot of focus on your clitoris during intercourse, due to the 'high angle' of entry. A webpage at Estronaut, a women's health forum, explains it thus:
The man enters initially from between the woman's legs which are apart and slightly bent, but then lifts himself further up the length of her body so that his thrusts make contact with her clitoris. At the very same time the base of the man's penis is also being stimulated. By leaning to the right or left of her torso, the man can rest his weight partially on his partner and partially on whatever the platform is for this event. It is important for the man to relax his upper body. The woman can then wrap her legs around his, trying to extend the stretch of her legs so that her ankles are about at the height of his calves. With this position a woman can then begin to thrust her own pelvis, repeatedly making contact between her clitoris and the base of his penis. Basically this is a rocking back and forth in sync sort of thing with the focus on the clitoris and the base of the penis rather than being all about penetration.
Cultural Response to the G-spot
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, famed sexologist and one of my favourite people, believes that the cultural fixation on vaginal orgasm is a throwback to the male chauvanistic views in our sexual past. Dr. Ruth termed Freud “sexually ignorant” for saying that only mature woman have vaginal orgasms. If you are unfamiliar with Freud and his disciples, Freud maintained that clitoral orgasms were adolescent, psychosexually immature, and inferior, while vaginal orgasms were mature. According to the Seattle Times, Frued was of the opinion that the female orgasm should center on the reproductive tract, and that clitoral orgasms were "infantile." If women were incapable of "mature" (vaginal) orgasms, Freud declared that they were sexually frigid. This belief is as absurd as it is offensive. Nonetheless, it remained in the public consciousness that vaginal orgasms were deeper, a sign of female virility, and that there was some weakness in only being able to have a clitoral orgasm.
This, combined with a book published in the 1980s, lead the public to the idea that "Every woman has one!" You'll see this concept reinforced by women's magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour, despite the fact that scientific evidence does not lend much credence to the idea. Not only is this problematic for women who may feel incomplete because they don't have vaginal orgasms, but can lead to a great deal of frustration for their partners, as they have both been told, again and again, that "every woman has a g-spot."
Which is, in the author's opinion, a load of crap.
The moral of the story is that if you have a g-spot, you're perfectly normal. If you don't have a g-spot, that's normal, too. The emphasis placed on vaginal orgasms should not be something that shatters your self-esteem. In the immortal words of Dr. Ruth: "An orgasm is an orgasm."
The G-spot Debate
The g-spot is named after a doctor named Ernst Gräfenberg, a German gynaecologist who first postulated in the 1950s that there might be a sensitive area in the vagina. Although Gräfenburg didn't offer any clinical evidence to support his theory, many books, magazine articles, and even scholarly journal studies have been published on the subject, many operating under the assumption that the g-spot exists. Despite this assumption, however, there is a great deal of debate in the scientific community regarding the g-spot.
Due to the fact that the g-spot didn't come into public consideration in 1951, the amount of study and evidence is limited. It may seem study remarkable that it is only within the past 50 years that doctors and scientists have begun to make serious study of this part of female anatomy!
Even Doctor Ruth says: "Until we get scientifically evaluated data, we cannot verify [the g-spot's] existence." Much of the evidence that we have of the g-spots existence remains anecdotal, and a great deal of relies on the connection between g-spot orgasms and female ejaculation.
In the words of Emmanuele Jannini, "It's ridiculous but true that we've waited till now to really know the female anatomy."
Vaginal Orgasms
For the purposes of this post, 'vaginal orgasm' refers to an orgasm as a result of vaginal stimulation/penetration, rather than clitoral stimulation. I'll be taking a look at the g-spot and what may cause vaginal orgasms, so I hope that helps clarify some things.
What is the g-spot?
Even here, the definition of exactly what the g-spot is varies from person to person. The general consensus is that the g-spot exists within the front (anterior) wall of the vagina, which is the side of your vagina closest to your bellybutton. According to Crooks and Baur, California, the g-spot about 1/3-to-1/2 of the way in from the vaginal opening.
Many people believe that the g-spot and the urethral sponge are one and the same. The urethral sponge is a cushion of tissue, located against the front wall of the vagina. The urethral sponge is composed of erectile tissue, similar to a man's penis or a woman's clitoris, and can swell when it becomes engorged with blood. During arousal, the sponge becomes swollen with blood, which compresses the urethra. Because the urethral sponge surroundes the urethra, many women feel an urge to urinate when the sponge is stimulated. If you've ever had that gotta-pee feeling, never fear -- the swelling of the urethral sponge actually helps to prevent urination during sexual activity, working with the PC muscle (that muscle you work doing your Kegels).
With continued stimulation of the urethral sponge, some women experience 'female ejaculation', which causes an expulsion of clear fluid. It is sometimes believed that this is the result of stimulation of Skene's glands. The Skene's glands are considered homologous with the prostate gland in men, and some believe that the Skene's glands produce a clear fluid that drains into the urethra. The clear fluid that is sometimes expelled is not urine, but it shares some common properties -- it is in fact composed of glucose, fructose (two natural sugars), prostate-specific antigent (a protein in male ejaculate, produced by the prostate glands -- this is believed to be produced by the Skene's glands in women), and very low levels of creatinine and urea, which are the two primary chemicals markers of urine.
However, it must be observed that not all women who experience vaginal orgasms also experience female ejaculation. This might be partially explained by one of the other primary views about the cause of vaginal orgasms, which does not involve the urethral sponge or the Skene's glands, or female ejaculation.
Some believe that the stimulation women feel when they have a "g-spot experience" is not the result of stimulation of the urethral sponge, but is actually a result of "clitoral arms", or clitoral crura. These exist to the left and right of the urethra, again near the urethral sponge, and extend toward the pubic bone. These 'legs' have two 'bulbs' upon which they rest. These bulbs are located around your inner labia, and the crura extend on each side above that, towards the clitoris. So many women who experience a vaginal orgasm but don't experience female ejaculate, may be experiencing an orgasm as a result of the stimulation of these clitoral legs. For this reason, some scientists believe that the g-spot doesn't exist, but rather that so-called "vaginal orgasms" are just a clitoral orgasm from another angle!
Does every woman have one?
While all women have a urethral sponge, and all women have vaginal crura, it is important to remember that everyone's anatomy is different. A scientist named Kermit Krantz dissected the genital regions of eight female cadavers in the 1950s, and found that there was "a great of variation in the way nerve endings are distributing throughout the different women's genitals." (from The Guide to Getting It On)
Does the g-spot or urethral sponge actually serve a sexual function for all women, or is this assumption a myth? Emmanuele Jannini of the University of Aquila, Italy set out to answer this question. Remember how I said that the urethral sponge was made of erectile tissue? Well, to find evidence of sexual activity in the urethral sponge and its surrounding tissues (the alleged 'g-spot'), Jannini and his team of researchers needed to find a biochemical marker of sexual function in the area -- in this case, they decided to look for PDE5, an enzyme that "chews up the nitric oxide that triggers erections." (In other words, it is my understand that if the erectile tissue is reaction sexually, it must become erect, then produce PDE5 to reduce the erection to normal.)
He and his team dissected 14 cadavers. These enzymes were, true to suspicion, clustered around the "g-spot", which confirms its role as erectile tissue. However, in two of the subjects, there was a much lower concentration of PDE5, and no Skene's glands at all. "For such women," said Jannini, "Having a vaginal orgasm is anatomically impossible."(editor's note: see my above comments about different sources of vaginal orgasms; in this case, I think that Jannini is correct that for women without Skene's glands and a small concentration of PDE5, an orgasm as a result of stimulating the urethral sponge and female ejaculation are impossible. Yes.)
In another study, eleven women were examined by two gynaecologists. They concluded that only four out of the 11 women had g-spots.
In another study, biopsies were taken from the g-spot area in four women -- but none of these revealed an increased number of nerve endings in the area.
Dr. Terence Hines, a professor at Pace University, concludes after a comprehensive review of research about the elusive area: "The G-spot will remain a sort of gynecological UFO: much searched for, much discussed, but unverified by objective means."
What can I do to locate or stimulate my g-spot?
As I said above, there is no firm evidence that every woman has a g-spot. However, because the Skene's glands are located deep within the vaginal wall, the only way to find out if you can tickle your urethral sponge and squirt, is to practice. Some women say that their g-spot (the area around the urethral sponge) feels a bit like a walnut within the vaginal wall, when they are aroused. As we learned, if you become aroused, this area may engorge with blood, and so you might feel a round bump. Some women say that their g-spot has a "rope-like" texture, a different feel from the rest of the vaginal wall. It is likely easiest to find this area when you are already aroused.
You may be able to locate your g-spot with your fingers, by inserting them into your vagina, and hooking your fingers towards your bellybutton. Or, have your partner insert their fingers into your vagina, and make a little 'come hither' wiggle.
There are vibrators with a special curve, for the purpose of helping women locate and stimulate their g-spot.
As for sexual positions, many women experience the most successful g-spot stimulation from doggie style/rear entry positions, or from woman-on-top positions, when they can lean back and rub the penis against the front wall of the vagina.
What if I don't believe I have a g-spot, but I still want to experience vaginal orgasms?
Remember: A Johnson and Masters study revealed that only 30% of women are capable of vaginal orgasms.The most sensitive parts of the vagina are near the opening. Remember those clitoral legs we talked about? Let those be your focus -- massage, rub, thrust between, and stimulate those legs. You may experience some pleasurable sensations, which might lead you to orgasm! Again, this is not successful for all women, as the clitoral bulbs and crura are not as sensitive as the clitoris itself.
I just want to orgasm from intercourse, I don't care how!
Consider putting your man in a 'high riding' missionary position. Sometimes referred to as the CAT position (CAT stands for Coital Alignment Technique), this technique doesn't allow for very deep penetration, but puts a lot of focus on your clitoris during intercourse, due to the 'high angle' of entry. A webpage at Estronaut, a women's health forum, explains it thus:
The man enters initially from between the woman's legs which are apart and slightly bent, but then lifts himself further up the length of her body so that his thrusts make contact with her clitoris. At the very same time the base of the man's penis is also being stimulated. By leaning to the right or left of her torso, the man can rest his weight partially on his partner and partially on whatever the platform is for this event. It is important for the man to relax his upper body. The woman can then wrap her legs around his, trying to extend the stretch of her legs so that her ankles are about at the height of his calves. With this position a woman can then begin to thrust her own pelvis, repeatedly making contact between her clitoris and the base of his penis. Basically this is a rocking back and forth in sync sort of thing with the focus on the clitoris and the base of the penis rather than being all about penetration.
Cultural Response to the G-spot
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, famed sexologist and one of my favourite people, believes that the cultural fixation on vaginal orgasm is a throwback to the male chauvanistic views in our sexual past. Dr. Ruth termed Freud “sexually ignorant” for saying that only mature woman have vaginal orgasms. If you are unfamiliar with Freud and his disciples, Freud maintained that clitoral orgasms were adolescent, psychosexually immature, and inferior, while vaginal orgasms were mature. According to the Seattle Times, Frued was of the opinion that the female orgasm should center on the reproductive tract, and that clitoral orgasms were "infantile." If women were incapable of "mature" (vaginal) orgasms, Freud declared that they were sexually frigid. This belief is as absurd as it is offensive. Nonetheless, it remained in the public consciousness that vaginal orgasms were deeper, a sign of female virility, and that there was some weakness in only being able to have a clitoral orgasm.
This, combined with a book published in the 1980s, lead the public to the idea that "Every woman has one!" You'll see this concept reinforced by women's magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour, despite the fact that scientific evidence does not lend much credence to the idea. Not only is this problematic for women who may feel incomplete because they don't have vaginal orgasms, but can lead to a great deal of frustration for their partners, as they have both been told, again and again, that "every woman has a g-spot."
Which is, in the author's opinion, a load of crap.
The moral of the story is that if you have a g-spot, you're perfectly normal. If you don't have a g-spot, that's normal, too. The emphasis placed on vaginal orgasms should not be something that shatters your self-esteem. In the immortal words of Dr. Ruth: "An orgasm is an orgasm."
Monday, October 20, 2008
An MTV show worth watching...
We've all had the experience of flipping through the television channels, wishing there was something worth watching. That's where I found myself today, watching the TV guide channel scrolls past. You can't imagine my surprise when I spied the following title: Sex ... With Mom and Dad. Curiousity got the better of me, and I switched over to MTV.
For those of you who, like me, haven't encountered this show before, the premise is to get teenagers talking about sex and safe sex with their parents. These parents and their children aren't having open dialogue, aren't being honest, or simply aren't listening to one another.
Teens and their parents meet with David Drew "Dr. Drew" pinsky, a medical doctor who also hosts the radio show Loveline, a call-in radio program about sex and relationships. Dr. Drew brings families in for talk sessions, and sends them away with 'homework' assignments to get them talking. Scenarios vary from a young man whose parents can't get past their 'abstinence-only' policy,
For many teens and parents, open dialogue like this is hard to imagine happening outside of the network that brought us the less-than-realistic Real World, I have to wonder what sort of a world it would be if parents and teens were making such an effort to be connected, non-judgmental and to start listening to each other.
While it's hard to really get an intimate look at the way parents and young people feel in a 30 minute block of time, you might realize that you're less alone than you think. More than that, you might find that a discussion like this with your parents (or for my older readers, with your children!) about sex.
There are new episodes every weeknight at 7pm. If you get a chance, tune in!
For those of you who, like me, haven't encountered this show before, the premise is to get teenagers talking about sex and safe sex with their parents. These parents and their children aren't having open dialogue, aren't being honest, or simply aren't listening to one another.
Teens and their parents meet with David Drew "Dr. Drew" pinsky, a medical doctor who also hosts the radio show Loveline, a call-in radio program about sex and relationships. Dr. Drew brings families in for talk sessions, and sends them away with 'homework' assignments to get them talking. Scenarios vary from a young man whose parents can't get past their 'abstinence-only' policy,
For many teens and parents, open dialogue like this is hard to imagine happening outside of the network that brought us the less-than-realistic Real World, I have to wonder what sort of a world it would be if parents and teens were making such an effort to be connected, non-judgmental and to start listening to each other.
While it's hard to really get an intimate look at the way parents and young people feel in a 30 minute block of time, you might realize that you're less alone than you think. More than that, you might find that a discussion like this with your parents (or for my older readers, with your children!) about sex.
There are new episodes every weeknight at 7pm. If you get a chance, tune in!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
A little oral sex advice; insecurity
I was reading the Hite Report
on female sexuality yesterday, and was very interested by a few of the quotations I found.
I was, on the one hand, personally relieved to see women struggling with the same things with which I have struggled -- knowing that one is not alone or isolated is very affirming. It is part of the reason why I like to encourage people to speak freely about sexuality and their bodies, particularly women.
On the other hand, I was saddened to see so many women struggling with these issues. I was even more saddened, but not surprised, to see how their partners were responding and contributing to their insecurities and fear. Particularly in the area of cunnilingus, or oral sex in which the woman is the recipient.
The chief concerns which I saw represented will here be presented in a little how-to advice format for those of you who are going down on women. We ladies do need to empower ourselves, but I want you all (especially you guys) to know how you can help and contribute to having a sexually confident, happy, and healthy partner.
Cunnilingus givers:
Don't make fun of a woman's genitals. Ever.
A good partner treats a man's cock like it's Thor's mighty hammer. A good partner also reinforces that a woman's privates are beautiful, pleasant, and nothing like a mangled slab of pork.
(This also applies if you are talking with friends -- don't mock women who have large labia, or tiny vaginas or large clitorises or hardly any clitoris at all. Just don't do it, you ever know who you will hurt.)
Don't tell her she stinks. Don't tell her she tastes bad.
Contrary to what the people over at Summer's Eve would have people think, vaginas are not meant to smell or taste like daisies and buttercups, a sweet tropical rainforest, or a pina colada. It is far more likely that your woman will smell a little like musky socks, and taste like vinegar potato chips, a penny, potent Clover honey, or a car battery. Perhaps all four at once!
I am not telling you to suffer if your girlfriend has an unpleasant vaginal taste or smell. If she smells like baking bread or fish, she may have a bacterial infection in her vagina which requires treatment. If her smell is normal but you just can't bear it, you have a couple of options: you can pull on your big boy shorts and deal with it, or you can try to navigate the dangerous waters of telling your girlfriend about it.
Do not make it sound like an accusation. Do not make it sound like a judgment. In fact, just don't make it sound like a FACT. Most of us have had it reinforced throughout our lives that our vaginas are dirty -- they are hairy, bloody, stinky, gooey, a wound that never heals. The last thing you want to do is reinforce any of these unhappy, potentially devastating and unhealthy attitudes.
So how would you broach the conversation? Make a suggestion, and add in some praise, reassure her that you like her as a partner and appreciate her as a woman. "This is hard for me to talk about. I love going down on you, but I think I would feel more comfortable with it if you would..." Shower first, be sure to wipe well, wear cotton underwear, let it air out at night, wash your pubic hair, whatever. Make it clear that you are not repulsed or disgusted, you do not think her vagina is stinky or repugnant -- you just want to go down on her and want it to be comfortable for both of you. Don't make this about the state of her vagina -- make it about you.
(My boyfriend suggests that if you are feeling a little sneaky, bring up the possibility of showering together. It's fun, sexy, and discreet.)
Are you still sort of a jerk? Probably. But if you think there is no other option, make an effort and try to be the nicest jerk you can be.
If your girlfriend doesn't know what she can do to reduce vaginal odor, send her my way. Absolutely do not douche. I mean it!
Do not run off and start brushing your teeth or washing your face, unless your partner asks you to do so.
Vaginal fluids will not eat through your flesh. They will not rot your teeth. They will not pickle your tongue, make your hair fall out, or cause blindness.
Remember what I said about women being told how nasty our vaginas are? That vaginas are something shameful? Just what attitude do you think you are reinforcing when the moment she orgasms, you rush off to the bathroom to get the girl cooties off?
If your woman doesn't want to kiss or snuggle because you have vajayjay breath, then tend to it. Otherwise, wait a while.
Don't make this a chore. Don't use it for leverage.
Don't go down on your girlfriend and let her know that you're only doing it because you feel obligated. In fact, if you really want your girlfriend to feel secure and confident, without the slightest niggling doubt, make it clear that you really do enjoy pleasing her. Find all the things that you enjoy about cunnilingus, even if it's not the act itself, and impress upon your girlfriend that these things make you happy -- you like the way she touches your hair, the way her thighs tense up, the noises she makes, the way she feels against your tongue. If you can praise her vulva in the process, do so.
Likewise, don't go down on your girlfriend because you expect oral sex in return. Many women feel very obligated to return the favour, and have anxiety because of this. "Is he only going down on me because he wants a blowjob?" "I know he's only doing this because I did this for him." "He wouldn't do this if he didn't get something out of it for himself."
It isn't that we think you're selfish -- it's that many women are convinced that female genitals are so unpleasant to look at it, taste, smell, and touch, that there is no way you would do this without an ulterior motive.
Don't rush her.
But also, don't grunt and complain that your face hurts. Don't huff and sigh because you're in such pain from the awful chore of licking something. As noted above, many women are solidly convinced that you don't want to be doing this in the first place, and when you indicate that you are unhappy or frustrated, we become unhappy and frustrated. Begrudging and ungenerous oral sex is not fun for anyone.
Women often feel pressured during oral sex. Orgasm soon, because he doesn't want to do this anyway. Orgasm soon, because his jaw hurts and he's bored. Orgasm soon, because it's been 20 minutes already... Some women worry about you being bored, frustrated, angry, and disappointed when they don't come fast enough.
Perhaps the most powerful and interesting quotation that I read in this section of the Hite Report said (paraphrased): I want a man who will say, 'Lay back, relax. I am going to go down on you for an hour.'
Be enthusiastic, be encouraging. Revel in your partner's femininity. Communicate as openly as you can. Talk about your insecurities together. Talk to me about your insecurities. Be like Kojak and develop a lollipop habit.
Whatever you do, be kind.
- Eva
P.S. I would love to see comments or emails about this entry!
on female sexuality yesterday, and was very interested by a few of the quotations I found.I was, on the one hand, personally relieved to see women struggling with the same things with which I have struggled -- knowing that one is not alone or isolated is very affirming. It is part of the reason why I like to encourage people to speak freely about sexuality and their bodies, particularly women.
On the other hand, I was saddened to see so many women struggling with these issues. I was even more saddened, but not surprised, to see how their partners were responding and contributing to their insecurities and fear. Particularly in the area of cunnilingus, or oral sex in which the woman is the recipient.
The chief concerns which I saw represented will here be presented in a little how-to advice format for those of you who are going down on women. We ladies do need to empower ourselves, but I want you all (especially you guys) to know how you can help and contribute to having a sexually confident, happy, and healthy partner.
Cunnilingus givers:
Don't make fun of a woman's genitals. Ever.
A good partner treats a man's cock like it's Thor's mighty hammer. A good partner also reinforces that a woman's privates are beautiful, pleasant, and nothing like a mangled slab of pork.
(This also applies if you are talking with friends -- don't mock women who have large labia, or tiny vaginas or large clitorises or hardly any clitoris at all. Just don't do it, you ever know who you will hurt.)
Don't tell her she stinks. Don't tell her she tastes bad.
Contrary to what the people over at Summer's Eve would have people think, vaginas are not meant to smell or taste like daisies and buttercups, a sweet tropical rainforest, or a pina colada. It is far more likely that your woman will smell a little like musky socks, and taste like vinegar potato chips, a penny, potent Clover honey, or a car battery. Perhaps all four at once!
I am not telling you to suffer if your girlfriend has an unpleasant vaginal taste or smell. If she smells like baking bread or fish, she may have a bacterial infection in her vagina which requires treatment. If her smell is normal but you just can't bear it, you have a couple of options: you can pull on your big boy shorts and deal with it, or you can try to navigate the dangerous waters of telling your girlfriend about it.
Do not make it sound like an accusation. Do not make it sound like a judgment. In fact, just don't make it sound like a FACT. Most of us have had it reinforced throughout our lives that our vaginas are dirty -- they are hairy, bloody, stinky, gooey, a wound that never heals. The last thing you want to do is reinforce any of these unhappy, potentially devastating and unhealthy attitudes.
So how would you broach the conversation? Make a suggestion, and add in some praise, reassure her that you like her as a partner and appreciate her as a woman. "This is hard for me to talk about. I love going down on you, but I think I would feel more comfortable with it if you would..." Shower first, be sure to wipe well, wear cotton underwear, let it air out at night, wash your pubic hair, whatever. Make it clear that you are not repulsed or disgusted, you do not think her vagina is stinky or repugnant -- you just want to go down on her and want it to be comfortable for both of you. Don't make this about the state of her vagina -- make it about you.
(My boyfriend suggests that if you are feeling a little sneaky, bring up the possibility of showering together. It's fun, sexy, and discreet.)
Are you still sort of a jerk? Probably. But if you think there is no other option, make an effort and try to be the nicest jerk you can be.
If your girlfriend doesn't know what she can do to reduce vaginal odor, send her my way. Absolutely do not douche. I mean it!
Do not run off and start brushing your teeth or washing your face, unless your partner asks you to do so.
Vaginal fluids will not eat through your flesh. They will not rot your teeth. They will not pickle your tongue, make your hair fall out, or cause blindness.
Remember what I said about women being told how nasty our vaginas are? That vaginas are something shameful? Just what attitude do you think you are reinforcing when the moment she orgasms, you rush off to the bathroom to get the girl cooties off?
If your woman doesn't want to kiss or snuggle because you have vajayjay breath, then tend to it. Otherwise, wait a while.
Don't make this a chore. Don't use it for leverage.
Don't go down on your girlfriend and let her know that you're only doing it because you feel obligated. In fact, if you really want your girlfriend to feel secure and confident, without the slightest niggling doubt, make it clear that you really do enjoy pleasing her. Find all the things that you enjoy about cunnilingus, even if it's not the act itself, and impress upon your girlfriend that these things make you happy -- you like the way she touches your hair, the way her thighs tense up, the noises she makes, the way she feels against your tongue. If you can praise her vulva in the process, do so.
Likewise, don't go down on your girlfriend because you expect oral sex in return. Many women feel very obligated to return the favour, and have anxiety because of this. "Is he only going down on me because he wants a blowjob?" "I know he's only doing this because I did this for him." "He wouldn't do this if he didn't get something out of it for himself."
It isn't that we think you're selfish -- it's that many women are convinced that female genitals are so unpleasant to look at it, taste, smell, and touch, that there is no way you would do this without an ulterior motive.
Don't rush her.
But also, don't grunt and complain that your face hurts. Don't huff and sigh because you're in such pain from the awful chore of licking something. As noted above, many women are solidly convinced that you don't want to be doing this in the first place, and when you indicate that you are unhappy or frustrated, we become unhappy and frustrated. Begrudging and ungenerous oral sex is not fun for anyone.
Women often feel pressured during oral sex. Orgasm soon, because he doesn't want to do this anyway. Orgasm soon, because his jaw hurts and he's bored. Orgasm soon, because it's been 20 minutes already... Some women worry about you being bored, frustrated, angry, and disappointed when they don't come fast enough.
Perhaps the most powerful and interesting quotation that I read in this section of the Hite Report said (paraphrased): I want a man who will say, 'Lay back, relax. I am going to go down on you for an hour.'
Be enthusiastic, be encouraging. Revel in your partner's femininity. Communicate as openly as you can. Talk about your insecurities together. Talk to me about your insecurities. Be like Kojak and develop a lollipop habit.
Whatever you do, be kind.
- Eva
P.S. I would love to see comments or emails about this entry!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Some buddy loves me
Eva,
I've been in a commited [friends-with-benefits] sexual relationship with a guy for almost 2 years. He's my best friend above all, and we have amazing sexual chemistry.
In the past month, though, he's gone from saying that he loves me to picking fights with me about absolutely NOTHING.
The people who know us both say that he's fighting the fact that he loves me because he's scared of it. People who don't know us say that he's just leading me on. I just can't seem to get a straight answer out of him, and it's incredibly frustrating.
What is your opinion on the situation, and how should I ask him about it?
Relationship questions are inherently hard to answer, because no one really has all the information. You are trying to figure out what is going on, I am trying to figure out what is going on, and neither of us is in this guy's head.
Why is your guy having so much confusion about your just-buddies sex routine? Take a look at your relationship. Here, I'll put it in handy bullet format for you:
- You're each other's very best friends.
- You get along together well.
- You have "amazing sexual chemistry"
- He tells you that he loves you... And you might even say it back.
Gosh! This sounds a lot like a real-live romantic relationship.
Your guy may have just realized that you aren't exactly his friend, but for practical purposes, you're his girlfriend. Surprise! He feels like things are probably getting too close to a real relationship, and your friends are right -- that scares him. He's picking fights because he wants to distance himself from you, so he can pretend you really are nothing more than buddies who happen to have sex. Either he has become emotionally invested, or he's afraid you have and he's panicking.
Does he really love you? Possibly. But think about it: He's getting sex, support, and love from someone who can't play the commitment card because we're "just" friends with benefits. He's got a good thing going, baby, and he doesn't want to screw it up.
It sounds to me like your guy is afraid of commitment, and doesn't want anything to change between the two of you. You can assure him that things will stay the same, but if you slap the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' label on there, things will change. He'll be a taken man and everyone will treat him as such.
There are a lot of reasons for it, but the heart of your issue is that this gentleman is afraid to commit. If you want to try to feel him out, ask him why he prefers your friendship to having a girlfriend. He might have had a bad relationship in the past, he might feel too immature for a girlfriend, he might feel that he isn't worth a girlfriend. Your friends are right, he is fighting becoming too attached, but that might be because he really doesn't want a relationship.
Good luck!
- Eva
Friday, September 26, 2008
Sponge vs. Sponge
Dear Eva,
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?
In a way, you're right! The contraceptive sponge is made from polyurethane foam and contains spermicide. The contraceptive sponge is inserted deep into the vagina, positioned over the cervix, and works in two ways: as a barrier it helps to prevent sperm from reaching the cervix, and the spermicide it contains immobilizes sperm.
The Today Sponge is the only contraceptive sponge currently available in the United States. While it does seem convenient as an alternative to condoms, it has some drawbacks. The packaging reports that with PERFECT use, pregnancy is prevented 89%-91% of the time. Their typical use effectiveness rate is 84-87% -- this means that about 10 women out of 100 will become pregnant in 1 year using the Today Sponge.
Additionally, the Today Sponge uses 1,000 milligrams of nonoxynol-9, a spermicide which is not only an irritant to sensitive tissues, but can increase your risk of getting HIV or other sexually transmitted infections. It also causes microtears in the vagina and anus, and has even been shown to increase your chance of getting the cancer-causing human papillomavirus.
The sponges that you saw in the health food store were menstrual sponges. They are not used for contraception, and you shouldn't try to use them for birth control! No, they are used in a manner similar to tampons, to control your menstrual flow.
Menstrual sponges are popular as an alternative menstrual product for a number of reasons. They are all-natural, made from actual harvested sea sponges. They are also reusable -- after use, simply rinse your sponge well, boil for 5-10 minutes to effectively destroy bacteria, and allow it to air dry.
Because they come from the ocean, which is not a sterile environment, be sure to boil your sea sponges before use.
You can purchase these natural sponge tampons at your local health food store, or at the following pages: http://www.jadeandpearl.com/catalog/index.php
http://sorella-luna.com/
- Eva
PS. I'm going to order some as soon as I get my paycheck! I'll be sure to post about my experience!
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?
In a way, you're right! The contraceptive sponge is made from polyurethane foam and contains spermicide. The contraceptive sponge is inserted deep into the vagina, positioned over the cervix, and works in two ways: as a barrier it helps to prevent sperm from reaching the cervix, and the spermicide it contains immobilizes sperm.
The Today Sponge is the only contraceptive sponge currently available in the United States. While it does seem convenient as an alternative to condoms, it has some drawbacks. The packaging reports that with PERFECT use, pregnancy is prevented 89%-91% of the time. Their typical use effectiveness rate is 84-87% -- this means that about 10 women out of 100 will become pregnant in 1 year using the Today Sponge.
Additionally, the Today Sponge uses 1,000 milligrams of nonoxynol-9, a spermicide which is not only an irritant to sensitive tissues, but can increase your risk of getting HIV or other sexually transmitted infections. It also causes microtears in the vagina and anus, and has even been shown to increase your chance of getting the cancer-causing human papillomavirus.
The sponges that you saw in the health food store were menstrual sponges. They are not used for contraception, and you shouldn't try to use them for birth control! No, they are used in a manner similar to tampons, to control your menstrual flow.
Menstrual sponges are popular as an alternative menstrual product for a number of reasons. They are all-natural, made from actual harvested sea sponges. They are also reusable -- after use, simply rinse your sponge well, boil for 5-10 minutes to effectively destroy bacteria, and allow it to air dry.
Because they come from the ocean, which is not a sterile environment, be sure to boil your sea sponges before use.
You can purchase these natural sponge tampons at your local health food store, or at the following pages: http://www.jadeandpearl.com/catalog/index.php
http://sorella-luna.com/
- Eva
PS. I'm going to order some as soon as I get my paycheck! I'll be sure to post about my experience!
Pregnancy and periods
Dear Eva,
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!
To answer your questions, we need to take a look at how the menstrual cycle works and what happens before the first menstrual cycle.
The menstrual cycle is a phase that recurs often in an adult woman's life, lasting anywhere from 24-36 days on average. This doesn't mean that she's on her period for the duration of the menstrual cycle! No, the female body is busy going through different hormonal changes at different points in the cycle, only one of which is your actual period.
You start counting your cycle from the first day of your period, Day 1. When an egg is not fertilized, your body knows it's safe to shed your uterine lining along with the unfertilized egg. It also cues your ovaries to start working on the maturation of a new egg, using a hormone called FSH -- Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Aptly named, huh?
Because you have numerous egg follicles, about 20 of them will be soaking up all that FSH, but one particularly greedy egg starts to hog it all. As this egg becomes more mature, it begins to secrete its own hormone called estradiol. Estradiol is a type of estrogen which tells your body, "Hey! This egg is ready to go!" so that you'll stop producing FSH.
Over the next week or two, your uterine lining starts to build back up in preparation for the new egg.
About two weeks after the beginning of the cycle, the body's accumulated estrogen causes the pituitary gland (remember that from sex ed?) to produce lutenizing hormone; this hormone causes the follicle to release the egg. This is known as ovulation, and it's the time during which a woman is most likely to get pregnant.
The follicle that released the egg becomes known as the corpus luteum, as it withers and starts to collect fatty acids around itself. The corpus luteum secretes a substance called progesterone, which prevents the egg follicles from developing, while your uterine lining continues to prepare for the implantation of the new egg.
If the egg is not fertilized and/or does not implant, your period begins again and the whole cycle starts over. This is some real Circle of Life stuff!
If you didn't catch all that you can see a fascinating animation here.
So does this mean that a woman can get pregnant on her period if she has unprotected sex?
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Although the released egg is only able to be fertilized for about a 24-hour period, it is often difficult to predict when ovulation will occur. Additionally, sperm can live up to 7 days inside a woman’s vagina. If you had sex during your period and the sperm continued to live inside the vagina, they could potentially travel up to meet with a newly-released egg.
What about that first period thing?
This was a fascinating topic to research. Doctors and scientists aren't 100% certain what actually causes menarche (a girl's very first period), but they do know that it is triggered in a similar way to other periods. A wave of LH and a smaller release of FSH propel the menstrual cycle into motion -- but this initial hormone surge may not be sufficient to cause ovulation. A cycle in which a woman does not ovulate is called anovulatory; a cycle in which an egg is produced is ovulatory.
A study conducted by Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Medical University of Debrecen in Hungary involved collecting urine samples from 51 girls over a 2-year period to determine how often ovulation occurred. They said:
The frequency of ovulatory cycles was 10-13% after the 1st 7-10 menstrual cycles; it approached 50% after the 20th cycle.
So you can see that it takes some time after the first menstrual cycle for ovulation to become a regular event for most girls -- but that doesn't mean it's true for every girl. That initial rush of LH and FSH could potentially prompt ovulation before the first period, and subsequent periods may be ovulatory even early on.
Because it is almost impossible to predict, a girl should always practice safer sex no matter where she is in her menstrual cycle, and use barrier methods of birth control (such as condoms) to help prevent pregnancy.
If you have been menstruating for about 2 years, this is a good time to talk to your doctor about the option of hormonal birth control. I do not recommend birth control for girls who have not yet had about 20 menstrual cycles, but if you have concerns about pregnancy or your period, talk to your doctor.
In short: A girl can become pregnant on her period, and a girl can become pregnant before her first period, although it is unlikely. Don't take any chances, always use a condom!
- Eva
PS. If you want more information about the female reproductive cycle and how it works, head down to your local library! The librarians at the reference and circulation desks will be happy to point you in the right direction.
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!
To answer your questions, we need to take a look at how the menstrual cycle works and what happens before the first menstrual cycle.
The menstrual cycle is a phase that recurs often in an adult woman's life, lasting anywhere from 24-36 days on average. This doesn't mean that she's on her period for the duration of the menstrual cycle! No, the female body is busy going through different hormonal changes at different points in the cycle, only one of which is your actual period.
You start counting your cycle from the first day of your period, Day 1. When an egg is not fertilized, your body knows it's safe to shed your uterine lining along with the unfertilized egg. It also cues your ovaries to start working on the maturation of a new egg, using a hormone called FSH -- Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Aptly named, huh?
Because you have numerous egg follicles, about 20 of them will be soaking up all that FSH, but one particularly greedy egg starts to hog it all. As this egg becomes more mature, it begins to secrete its own hormone called estradiol. Estradiol is a type of estrogen which tells your body, "Hey! This egg is ready to go!" so that you'll stop producing FSH.
Over the next week or two, your uterine lining starts to build back up in preparation for the new egg.
About two weeks after the beginning of the cycle, the body's accumulated estrogen causes the pituitary gland (remember that from sex ed?) to produce lutenizing hormone; this hormone causes the follicle to release the egg. This is known as ovulation, and it's the time during which a woman is most likely to get pregnant.
The follicle that released the egg becomes known as the corpus luteum, as it withers and starts to collect fatty acids around itself. The corpus luteum secretes a substance called progesterone, which prevents the egg follicles from developing, while your uterine lining continues to prepare for the implantation of the new egg.
If the egg is not fertilized and/or does not implant, your period begins again and the whole cycle starts over. This is some real Circle of Life stuff!
If you didn't catch all that you can see a fascinating animation here.
So does this mean that a woman can get pregnant on her period if she has unprotected sex?
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Although the released egg is only able to be fertilized for about a 24-hour period, it is often difficult to predict when ovulation will occur. Additionally, sperm can live up to 7 days inside a woman’s vagina. If you had sex during your period and the sperm continued to live inside the vagina, they could potentially travel up to meet with a newly-released egg.
What about that first period thing?
This was a fascinating topic to research. Doctors and scientists aren't 100% certain what actually causes menarche (a girl's very first period), but they do know that it is triggered in a similar way to other periods. A wave of LH and a smaller release of FSH propel the menstrual cycle into motion -- but this initial hormone surge may not be sufficient to cause ovulation. A cycle in which a woman does not ovulate is called anovulatory; a cycle in which an egg is produced is ovulatory.
A study conducted by Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Medical University of Debrecen in Hungary involved collecting urine samples from 51 girls over a 2-year period to determine how often ovulation occurred. They said:
The frequency of ovulatory cycles was 10-13% after the 1st 7-10 menstrual cycles; it approached 50% after the 20th cycle.
So you can see that it takes some time after the first menstrual cycle for ovulation to become a regular event for most girls -- but that doesn't mean it's true for every girl. That initial rush of LH and FSH could potentially prompt ovulation before the first period, and subsequent periods may be ovulatory even early on.
Because it is almost impossible to predict, a girl should always practice safer sex no matter where she is in her menstrual cycle, and use barrier methods of birth control (such as condoms) to help prevent pregnancy.
If you have been menstruating for about 2 years, this is a good time to talk to your doctor about the option of hormonal birth control. I do not recommend birth control for girls who have not yet had about 20 menstrual cycles, but if you have concerns about pregnancy or your period, talk to your doctor.
In short: A girl can become pregnant on her period, and a girl can become pregnant before her first period, although it is unlikely. Don't take any chances, always use a condom!
- Eva
PS. If you want more information about the female reproductive cycle and how it works, head down to your local library! The librarians at the reference and circulation desks will be happy to point you in the right direction.
Apologies for the delay!
Eva tries not to let her personal and professional life get mixed together... But sometimes "real life" gets a little overwhelming. Who hasn't been there? Expect two updates this evening, to make up for yesterday's absenteeism.
- Eva
- Eva
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Vibrators, Incognito
Dear Eva,
I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!
Whether dealing with a snoopy parent, curious kid, or nosey roommate, I think most ladies have been in a position similar to yours. Even if our friends and loved ones aren't likely to go rummaging through our things, when you're living in a small space or sharing a bathroom, mix-ups happen.
I spent a lot of time searching around Amazon.com to see what your options are. Ordering sex toys from Amazon.com is a great idea because they arrive in Amazon's usual, brown-box packaging with no questionable or revealing labels.
Here are some options I found for you!
Shaken, Not Stirred
Feeling like a superspy? These would make James Bond proud! All of these vibrators have been cleverly disguised as another item which might be in your purse, dorm room, or bathroom. As long as your roommate doesn't ask to use your lipstick or borrow your cell phone, you'll be good to go. ;)
Bathtime Buddies and Scrubbies
These adorable, water-safe critters and inconspicuous sponges make perfect options for a situation where you are sharing a space. While you should always be sure you pick up after yourself, these vibrators wouldn't raise too many eyebrows if your roommate noticed them in a drawer or under the sink.
You also have the choice of keeping a special box or pillow to keep a regular vibrator in. There are several secret-pocket pillows available on Amazon and throughout the web -- you can stash your vibrator inside and no one will ever know it's there!
In my opinion, the water toys are your best option. You can use these in the bathroom so that your privacy is guaranteed! Whatever you decide, best of luck at school.
- Eva
PS. I was skeptical of your college story, but a quick Google revealed that many colleges start classes in October!
I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!
Whether dealing with a snoopy parent, curious kid, or nosey roommate, I think most ladies have been in a position similar to yours. Even if our friends and loved ones aren't likely to go rummaging through our things, when you're living in a small space or sharing a bathroom, mix-ups happen.
I spent a lot of time searching around Amazon.com to see what your options are. Ordering sex toys from Amazon.com is a great idea because they arrive in Amazon's usual, brown-box packaging with no questionable or revealing labels.
Here are some options I found for you!
Shaken, Not Stirred
Feeling like a superspy? These would make James Bond proud! All of these vibrators have been cleverly disguised as another item which might be in your purse, dorm room, or bathroom. As long as your roommate doesn't ask to use your lipstick or borrow your cell phone, you'll be good to go. ;)
Bathtime Buddies and Scrubbies
These adorable, water-safe critters and inconspicuous sponges make perfect options for a situation where you are sharing a space. While you should always be sure you pick up after yourself, these vibrators wouldn't raise too many eyebrows if your roommate noticed them in a drawer or under the sink.
You also have the choice of keeping a special box or pillow to keep a regular vibrator in. There are several secret-pocket pillows available on Amazon and throughout the web -- you can stash your vibrator inside and no one will ever know it's there!
In my opinion, the water toys are your best option. You can use these in the bathroom so that your privacy is guaranteed! Whatever you decide, best of luck at school.
- Eva
PS. I was skeptical of your college story, but a quick Google revealed that many colleges start classes in October!
Posts to expect this week...
Hello everyone! Eva here! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am getting your e-mails and it's so exciting. Remember, I will not email you back in order to protect your privacy, so keep an eye on this page to see the answer to your question.
If you have a question for Eva, drop me a line! JustAskEva@gmail.com. If you don't want to use your own email address, use a free account -- check out the Privacy Policy link to the right for more information.
Upcoming posts this week...
Tuesday - Vibrators, Incognito
Dear Eva,
I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!
Wednesday - Blowjobs for Beginners
Dear Eva,
My boyfriend wants me to go down on him but I'm so nervous! I have a terrible gag reflex and I don't want to barf on him. I don't want him to think I'm stupid or clueless. Any tips?
Thursday - Pregnant from period sex?
Dear Eva,
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!
Friday - Sponge vs. Sponge
Dear Eva,
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?
This weekend, look out for Eva's informative G-spot post!
If you have a question for Eva, drop me a line! JustAskEva@gmail.com. If you don't want to use your own email address, use a free account -- check out the Privacy Policy link to the right for more information.
Upcoming posts this week...
Tuesday - Vibrators, Incognito
Dear Eva,
I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!
Wednesday - Blowjobs for Beginners
Dear Eva,
My boyfriend wants me to go down on him but I'm so nervous! I have a terrible gag reflex and I don't want to barf on him. I don't want him to think I'm stupid or clueless. Any tips?
Thursday - Pregnant from period sex?
Dear Eva,
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!
Friday - Sponge vs. Sponge
Dear Eva,
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?
This weekend, look out for Eva's informative G-spot post!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Kids will be kids: childhood secret
Dear Eva,
When I was young, I used to play games like 'I'll show you mine, you show me yours' and 'Doctor' with neighborhood children. I feel very guilty about this now... What's wrong with me?
As adults, we associate this sort of touching with sexual activity. For children, these are not usually acts of a sexual motivation, but of curiousity. As long as the activities you were engaging in were consensual and non-violent, it was all likely a part of normal childhood sexual development.
The Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivors' Information and Advocacy Network offers a list of behaviours that are considered a normal part of childhood sexual development:
Normal behaviour-
Rubs genitals before falling asleep
Explores differences between boys and girls
Is interested in watching adults go to the bathroom
Plays 'doctor' with other children
Plays house. Plays 'mommy' and 'daddy' roles
On the other hand, there are some scenarios which might be considered abuse, and these could be disturbing enough to have an impact on your adult life.
If you were engaged in sex acts that you feel were not motivated by mutual curiousity towards someone in your age group, if you were rather bullied, forced or shamed into acting on someone else's sexual demands, these experiences might go beyond the range of 'normal' childhood sexual activity.
Childhood sexual abuse doesn't just have to occur when there is a marked difference in age. According to RAINN, it can, and indeed likely should be considered abuse if there is a marked difference in age, size, power, or knowledge.
If you have been coerced or 'talked into' a sex act, examine this closely, as it may be sexual abuse. In the end, you are the only person who can determine if you need to seek help. Situations like these may require the attention of a therapist or counselor. If you are suffering from a lot of guilt, or guilty feelings are disrupting your life, talk to a mental health professional in your community, school, or church.
If you need help and don't know who to talk to, please call the free, 24/7 RAINN Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE or talk to a crisis counselor on their website at http://www.rainn.org/.
- Eva
PS. You might be surprised to know how many other young people feel the way you do. Speak up because I am positive that you are not alone!
When I was young, I used to play games like 'I'll show you mine, you show me yours' and 'Doctor' with neighborhood children. I feel very guilty about this now... What's wrong with me?
As adults, we associate this sort of touching with sexual activity. For children, these are not usually acts of a sexual motivation, but of curiousity. As long as the activities you were engaging in were consensual and non-violent, it was all likely a part of normal childhood sexual development.
The Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivors' Information and Advocacy Network offers a list of behaviours that are considered a normal part of childhood sexual development:
Normal behaviour-
Rubs genitals before falling asleep
Explores differences between boys and girls
Is interested in watching adults go to the bathroom
Plays 'doctor' with other children
Plays house. Plays 'mommy' and 'daddy' roles
On the other hand, there are some scenarios which might be considered abuse, and these could be disturbing enough to have an impact on your adult life.
If you were engaged in sex acts that you feel were not motivated by mutual curiousity towards someone in your age group, if you were rather bullied, forced or shamed into acting on someone else's sexual demands, these experiences might go beyond the range of 'normal' childhood sexual activity.
Childhood sexual abuse doesn't just have to occur when there is a marked difference in age. According to RAINN, it can, and indeed likely should be considered abuse if there is a marked difference in age, size, power, or knowledge.
If you have been coerced or 'talked into' a sex act, examine this closely, as it may be sexual abuse. In the end, you are the only person who can determine if you need to seek help. Situations like these may require the attention of a therapist or counselor. If you are suffering from a lot of guilt, or guilty feelings are disrupting your life, talk to a mental health professional in your community, school, or church.
If you need help and don't know who to talk to, please call the free, 24/7 RAINN Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE or talk to a crisis counselor on their website at http://www.rainn.org/.
- Eva
PS. You might be surprised to know how many other young people feel the way you do. Speak up because I am positive that you are not alone!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Cleaning Sex Toys?
Dear Eva,
Is it safe to share sex toys? Will soap and water be enough to clean them?
What a great question! If you take precautions for your health and clean your toys appropriately, yes, toys can be safely shared. To know how to approach sharing your toy, you need to know the material of your toy.
Non-porous toys are made from hard plastic, glass, acrylic, Pyrex, glass, and silicone. These toys can be washed gently with warm water and antibacterial hand soap, and this will be sufficient.
If they do not contain electrical components, silicone, Pyrex and stainless steel toys can also be boiled or run through the dishwasher. Boil for 2-3 minutes before removing your toy. Silicone toys in particular can be shared safely and fully disinfected, and for this reason I highly recommend them if you plan to share your toys with your partners or to swap them between anal and vaginal use.
When you are dealing with a rubber, latex, skin-type or jelly toy, you must bear in mind that these toys are porous. Rinse them very thoroughly with warm water after washing with warm water and gentle soap; any left-behind soap can damage the material of the toy or cause irritation to the soft tissues of the body. Realistic, skin-type toys such as UltraSkin or CyberSkin should be washed with mild soap and warm water, then dusted lightly with cornstarch. This will prevent the toy's surface from becoming sticky. Do not use baby powder or talcum powder, as this has been linked to certain types of cancer.
Be aware: Even if you clean them thoroughly, these toys cannot be completely disinfected due to their porous nature.
In my opinion, the best way to keep a toy clean and yourself healthy is to cover it with a non-lubricated condom, then use a separate condom-safe lubricant. This keeps bacteria and fecal matter off the toy's surface, and is especially useful if you are planning to switch between anal and vaginal use, or if you are using the toy on multiple partners. After use in one orifice, simply remove the condom or swap it for a clean one before using it in the next. This will also extend the life of jelly and skin toys by protecting the surface.
Health risks have been associated with the use of jelly and CyberSkin toys; the sex toy experts at BabeLand recommend that a condom always be used with these types of toys.
The quick and dirty version is: for personal use in a single orifice, cleaning with soap and water should be sufficient for non-porous toys. If you want to share a toy with a partner or trade it for use in vaginal/anal play, if the toy is made from a porous material, or if it may contain harmful chemicals as in jelly and CyberSkin toys, a condom is the best way to go.
Happy playing!
- Eva
PS. If you're particularly paranoid or lazy, you might just buy a separate toy for every partner and every orifice!
Is it safe to share sex toys? Will soap and water be enough to clean them?
What a great question! If you take precautions for your health and clean your toys appropriately, yes, toys can be safely shared. To know how to approach sharing your toy, you need to know the material of your toy.
Non-porous toys are made from hard plastic, glass, acrylic, Pyrex, glass, and silicone. These toys can be washed gently with warm water and antibacterial hand soap, and this will be sufficient.
If they do not contain electrical components, silicone, Pyrex and stainless steel toys can also be boiled or run through the dishwasher. Boil for 2-3 minutes before removing your toy. Silicone toys in particular can be shared safely and fully disinfected, and for this reason I highly recommend them if you plan to share your toys with your partners or to swap them between anal and vaginal use.
When you are dealing with a rubber, latex, skin-type or jelly toy, you must bear in mind that these toys are porous. Rinse them very thoroughly with warm water after washing with warm water and gentle soap; any left-behind soap can damage the material of the toy or cause irritation to the soft tissues of the body. Realistic, skin-type toys such as UltraSkin or CyberSkin should be washed with mild soap and warm water, then dusted lightly with cornstarch. This will prevent the toy's surface from becoming sticky. Do not use baby powder or talcum powder, as this has been linked to certain types of cancer.
Be aware: Even if you clean them thoroughly, these toys cannot be completely disinfected due to their porous nature.
In my opinion, the best way to keep a toy clean and yourself healthy is to cover it with a non-lubricated condom
, then use a separate condom-safe lubricant. This keeps bacteria and fecal matter off the toy's surface, and is especially useful if you are planning to switch between anal and vaginal use, or if you are using the toy on multiple partners. After use in one orifice, simply remove the condom or swap it for a clean one before using it in the next. This will also extend the life of jelly and skin toys by protecting the surface.Health risks have been associated with the use of jelly and CyberSkin toys; the sex toy experts at BabeLand recommend that a condom always be used with these types of toys.
The quick and dirty version is: for personal use in a single orifice, cleaning with soap and water should be sufficient for non-porous toys. If you want to share a toy with a partner or trade it for use in vaginal/anal play, if the toy is made from a porous material, or if it may contain harmful chemicals as in jelly and CyberSkin toys, a condom is the best way to go.
Happy playing!
- Eva
PS. If you're particularly paranoid or lazy, you might just buy a separate toy for every partner and every orifice!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Anal Anxiety
"Dear Eva,
My first anal experience was horrible, but I would love to try it again with someone new. I can become aroused and lubed up to the point where he has to stop to put on a condom, then I panic and refuse to let him in. Anything we can do to over come my anxiety that it will hurt again?"
Fear not: Your case is not hopeless.
The first and most important step is that you must trust your partner. Anal sex can be intimidating whether or not you've had a bad experience in the past, so your comfort with your partner is essential. The less you are worrying about the "what will my partner think if"s, the more you can start to relax and enjoy.
I am unsure of what you mean when you said you are aroused and lubed up -- while the anus itself is a mucous membrane, the anus and rectum do not produce their own lubricant. The anus produces a very small amount of natural mucous, but this is assuredly not sufficient lubrication for anal penetration. You will need to use another form of lubricant to help make things slide easier -- Durex Play More and Liquid Silk are two brands that I recommend for anal play. If you're feeling particularly nervous, give Adam & Eve's Desensitizing Lubricant a try! They are all water-based and condom-safe (though it's wise to check the packaging when you receive the bottle).
Part of your anxiety may be because your anus isn't seeing enough stimulation in the times leading up to, or times other than, when you begin to have anal sex. I highly recommend that you work anal stimulation into your usual sex routine. This is particularly true for women and men who masturbate, as this provides a stress-free time in which they can explore the sensations associated with anal sex without having to worry about embarrassment or pressure from their partner. Use your fingers or a slender toy with a bit of lubricant to explore this area on your own. When you feel comfortable, ask your partner to incorporate similar types of mild anal play into other sex acts -- he can massage your anus with his fingers or a knuckle, or penetrate you with his fingers or a small toy.
This should help you become acclimated to anal stimulation, and should relieve your concerns.
Good luck!
- Eva
My first anal experience was horrible, but I would love to try it again with someone new. I can become aroused and lubed up to the point where he has to stop to put on a condom, then I panic and refuse to let him in. Anything we can do to over come my anxiety that it will hurt again?"
Fear not: Your case is not hopeless.
The first and most important step is that you must trust your partner. Anal sex can be intimidating whether or not you've had a bad experience in the past, so your comfort with your partner is essential. The less you are worrying about the "what will my partner think if"s, the more you can start to relax and enjoy.
I am unsure of what you mean when you said you are aroused and lubed up -- while the anus itself is a mucous membrane, the anus and rectum do not produce their own lubricant. The anus produces a very small amount of natural mucous, but this is assuredly not sufficient lubrication for anal penetration. You will need to use another form of lubricant to help make things slide easier -- Durex Play More and Liquid Silk are two brands that I recommend for anal play. If you're feeling particularly nervous, give Adam & Eve's Desensitizing Lubricant a try! They are all water-based and condom-safe (though it's wise to check the packaging when you receive the bottle).
Part of your anxiety may be because your anus isn't seeing enough stimulation in the times leading up to, or times other than, when you begin to have anal sex. I highly recommend that you work anal stimulation into your usual sex routine. This is particularly true for women and men who masturbate, as this provides a stress-free time in which they can explore the sensations associated with anal sex without having to worry about embarrassment or pressure from their partner. Use your fingers or a slender toy with a bit of lubricant to explore this area on your own. When you feel comfortable, ask your partner to incorporate similar types of mild anal play into other sex acts -- he can massage your anus with his fingers or a knuckle, or penetrate you with his fingers or a small toy.
This should help you become acclimated to anal stimulation, and should relieve your concerns.
Good luck!
- Eva
Friday, September 19, 2008
Moving...
Hello everyone! Welcome to 'Ask Eva Anything', a convenient website where I tackle your toughest questions about sex, sexual health, and relationships.
I am in process of moving from my old, standard HTML website to this new blogger address, so I hope you will bear with me while old questions and content are transferred over. I'm going to be cleaning up articles for readability, fixing up the Amazon Associates Shop and setting you up with convenient links to other adult and sexual health resources around the web.
Got a question for me? Send it to justaskeva@gmail.com.
If you are in a crisis situation regarding rape or abuse and you live in the US, I encourage you to contact the Rape, Incest and Abuse National Network, RAINN at this number: 1.800.656.HOPE.
If you are located in Canada or another international location, please review RAINN's list of international assault resources here: http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
Thanks, and I hope to see you soon!
I am in process of moving from my old, standard HTML website to this new blogger address, so I hope you will bear with me while old questions and content are transferred over. I'm going to be cleaning up articles for readability, fixing up the Amazon Associates Shop and setting you up with convenient links to other adult and sexual health resources around the web.
Got a question for me? Send it to justaskeva@gmail.com.
If you are in a crisis situation regarding rape or abuse and you live in the US, I encourage you to contact the Rape, Incest and Abuse National Network, RAINN at this number: 1.800.656.HOPE.
If you are located in Canada or another international location, please review RAINN's list of international assault resources here: http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
Thanks, and I hope to see you soon!
Privacy Policy
Because 'Ask Eva Anything' does not have a private domain up and running yet, anonymous e-mail forms are not currently an option. I hope that you will bear with me as I'm transitioning from my old space to blogger, and while I'm waiting to purchase my domain, I hope that you won't mind to send me emails personally.
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I assure you that I will not save, sell, or post your personal email. I will not respond to your email unless you give me permission to do so; the answers to your questions will appear on this site.
If you don't feel comfortable using a personal email, the following groups offer free email accounts that you can use:
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