Some buddy loves me

Eva,

I've been in a commited [friends-with-benefits] sexual relationship with a guy for almost 2 years. He's my best friend above all, and we have amazing sexual chemistry.

In the past month, though, he's gone from saying that he loves me to picking fights with me about absolutely NOTHING.

The people who know us both say that he's fighting the fact that he loves me because he's scared of it. People who don't know us say that he's just leading me on. I just can't seem to get a straight answer out of him, and it's incredibly frustrating.
What is your opinion on the situation, and how should I ask him about it?

Relationship questions are inherently hard to answer, because no one really has all the information. You are trying to figure out what is going on, I am trying to figure out what is going on, and neither of us is in this guy's head.

Why is your guy having so much confusion about your just-buddies sex routine? Take a look at your relationship. Here, I'll put it in handy bullet format for you:
- You're each other's very best friends.
- You get along together well.
- You have "amazing sexual chemistry"
- He tells you that he loves you... And you might even say it back.

Gosh! This sounds a lot like a real-live romantic relationship.

Your guy may have just realized that you aren't exactly his friend, but for practical purposes, you're his girlfriend. Surprise! He feels like things are probably getting too close to a real relationship, and your friends are right -- that scares him. He's picking fights because he wants to distance himself from you, so he can pretend you really are nothing more than buddies who happen to have sex. Either he has become emotionally invested, or he's afraid you have and he's panicking.

Does he really love you? Possibly. But think about it: He's getting sex, support, and love from someone who can't play the commitment card because we're "just" friends with benefits. He's got a good thing going, baby, and he doesn't want to screw it up.

It sounds to me like your guy is afraid of commitment, and doesn't want anything to change between the two of you. You can assure him that things will stay the same, but if you slap the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' label on there, things will change. He'll be a taken man and everyone will treat him as such.

There are a lot of reasons for it, but the heart of your issue is that this gentleman is afraid to commit. If you want to try to feel him out, ask him why he prefers your friendship to having a girlfriend. He might have had a bad relationship in the past, he might feel too immature for a girlfriend, he might feel that he isn't worth a girlfriend. Your friends are right, he is fighting becoming too attached, but that might be because he really doesn't want a relationship.

Good luck!

- Eva

Sponge vs. Sponge

Dear Eva,
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?

In a way, you're right! The contraceptive sponge is made from polyurethane foam and contains spermicide. The contraceptive sponge is inserted deep into the vagina, positioned over the cervix, and works in two ways: as a barrier it helps to prevent sperm from reaching the cervix, and the spermicide it contains immobilizes sperm.

The Today Sponge is the only contraceptive sponge currently available in the United States. While it does seem convenient as an alternative to condoms, it has some drawbacks. The packaging reports that with PERFECT use, pregnancy is prevented 89%-91% of the time. Their typical use effectiveness rate is 84-87% -- this means that about 10 women out of 100 will become pregnant in 1 year using the Today Sponge.
Additionally, the Today Sponge uses 1,000 milligrams of nonoxynol-9, a spermicide which is not only an irritant to sensitive tissues, but can increase your risk of getting HIV or other sexually transmitted infections. It also causes microtears in the vagina and anus, and has even been shown to increase your chance of getting the cancer-causing human papillomavirus.

The sponges that you saw in the health food store were menstrual sponges. They are not used for contraception, and you shouldn't try to use them for birth control! No, they are used in a manner similar to tampons, to control your menstrual flow.

Menstrual sponges are popular as an alternative menstrual product for a number of reasons. They are all-natural, made from actual harvested sea sponges. They are also reusable -- after use, simply rinse your sponge well, boil for 5-10 minutes to effectively destroy bacteria, and allow it to air dry.
Because they come from the ocean, which is not a sterile environment, be sure to boil your sea sponges before use.

You can purchase these natural sponge tampons at your local health food store, or at the following pages: http://www.jadeandpearl.com/catalog/index.php
http://sorella-luna.com/

- Eva

PS. I'm going to order some as soon as I get my paycheck! I'll be sure to post about my experience!

Pregnancy and periods

Dear Eva,
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!

To answer your questions, we need to take a look at how the menstrual cycle works and what happens before the first menstrual cycle.

The menstrual cycle is a phase that recurs often in an adult woman's life, lasting anywhere from 24-36 days on average. This doesn't mean that she's on her period for the duration of the menstrual cycle! No, the female body is busy going through different hormonal changes at different points in the cycle, only one of which is your actual period.

You start counting your cycle from the first day of your period, Day 1. When an egg is not fertilized, your body knows it's safe to shed your uterine lining along with the unfertilized egg. It also cues your ovaries to start working on the maturation of a new egg, using a hormone called FSH -- Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Aptly named, huh?

Because you have numerous egg follicles, about 20 of them will be soaking up all that FSH, but one particularly greedy egg starts to hog it all. As this egg becomes more mature, it begins to secrete its own hormone called estradiol. Estradiol is a type of estrogen which tells your body, "Hey! This egg is ready to go!" so that you'll stop producing FSH.

Over the next week or two, your uterine lining starts to build back up in preparation for the new egg.

About two weeks after the beginning of the cycle, the body's accumulated estrogen causes the pituitary gland (remember that from sex ed?) to produce lutenizing hormone; this hormone causes the follicle to release the egg. This is known as ovulation, and it's the time during which a woman is most likely to get pregnant.

The follicle that released the egg becomes known as the corpus luteum, as it withers and starts to collect fatty acids around itself. The corpus luteum secretes a substance called progesterone, which prevents the egg follicles from developing, while your uterine lining continues to prepare for the implantation of the new egg.

If the egg is not fertilized and/or does not implant, your period begins again and the whole cycle starts over. This is some real Circle of Life stuff!

If you didn't catch all that you can see a fascinating animation here.

So does this mean that a woman can get pregnant on her period if she has unprotected sex?

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Although the released egg is only able to be fertilized for about a 24-hour period, it is often difficult to predict when ovulation will occur. Additionally, sperm can live up to 7 days inside a woman’s vagina. If you had sex during your period and the sperm continued to live inside the vagina, they could potentially travel up to meet with a newly-released egg.

What about that first period thing?

This was a fascinating topic to research. Doctors and scientists aren't 100% certain what actually causes menarche (a girl's very first period), but they do know that it is triggered in a similar way to other periods. A wave of LH and a smaller release of FSH propel the menstrual cycle into motion -- but this initial hormone surge may not be sufficient to cause ovulation. A cycle in which a woman does not ovulate is called anovulatory; a cycle in which an egg is produced is ovulatory.

A study conducted by Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Medical University of Debrecen in Hungary involved collecting urine samples from 51 girls over a 2-year period to determine how often ovulation occurred. They said:
The frequency of ovulatory cycles was 10-13% after the 1st 7-10 menstrual cycles; it approached 50% after the 20th cycle.

So you can see that it takes some time after the first menstrual cycle for ovulation to become a regular event for most girls -- but that doesn't mean it's true for every girl. That initial rush of LH and FSH could potentially prompt ovulation before the first period, and subsequent periods may be ovulatory even early on.

Because it is almost impossible to predict, a girl should always practice safer sex no matter where she is in her menstrual cycle, and use barrier methods of birth control (such as condoms) to help prevent pregnancy.

If you have been menstruating for about 2 years, this is a good time to talk to your doctor about the option of hormonal birth control. I do not recommend birth control for girls who have not yet had about 20 menstrual cycles, but if you have concerns about pregnancy or your period, talk to your doctor.

In short: A girl can become pregnant on her period, and a girl can become pregnant before her first period, although it is unlikely. Don't take any chances, always use a condom!

- Eva

PS. If you want more information about the female reproductive cycle and how it works, head down to your local library! The librarians at the reference and circulation desks will be happy to point you in the right direction.

Apologies for the delay!

Eva tries not to let her personal and professional life get mixed together... But sometimes "real life" gets a little overwhelming. Who hasn't been there? Expect two updates this evening, to make up for yesterday's absenteeism.

- Eva

Basic Blowjobs 101

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Vibrators, Incognito

Dear Eva,

I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!


Whether dealing with a snoopy parent, curious kid, or nosey roommate, I think most ladies have been in a position similar to yours. Even if our friends and loved ones aren't likely to go rummaging through our things, when you're living in a small space or sharing a bathroom, mix-ups happen.

I spent a lot of time searching around Amazon.com to see what your options are. Ordering sex toys from Amazon.com is a great idea because they arrive in Amazon's usual, brown-box packaging with no questionable or revealing labels.

Here are some options I found for you!

Shaken, Not Stirred



Feeling like a superspy? These would make James Bond proud! All of these vibrators have been cleverly disguised as another item which might be in your purse, dorm room, or bathroom. As long as your roommate doesn't ask to use your lipstick or borrow your cell phone, you'll be good to go. ;)

Bathtime Buddies and Scrubbies

These adorable, water-safe critters and inconspicuous sponges make perfect options for a situation where you are sharing a space. While you should always be sure you pick up after yourself, these vibrators wouldn't raise too many eyebrows if your roommate noticed them in a drawer or under the sink.

You also have the choice of keeping a special box or pillow to keep a regular vibrator in. There are several secret-pocket pillows available on Amazon and throughout the web -- you can stash your vibrator inside and no one will ever know it's there!

In my opinion, the water toys are your best option. You can use these in the bathroom so that your privacy is guaranteed! Whatever you decide, best of luck at school.

- Eva

PS. I was skeptical of your college story, but a quick Google revealed that many colleges start classes in October!

Posts to expect this week...

Hello everyone! Eva here! I just wanted to let everyone know that I am getting your e-mails and it's so exciting. Remember, I will not email you back in order to protect your privacy, so keep an eye on this page to see the answer to your question.

If you have a question for Eva, drop me a line! JustAskEva@gmail.com. If you don't want to use your own email address, use a free account -- check out the Privacy Policy link to the right for more information.

Upcoming posts this week...

Tuesday - Vibrators, Incognito
Dear Eva,
I'm leaving for college next month. I'll have my own room but I'm sharing a bathroom with two other girls. I've wanted to buy a vibrator for a long time but haven't because I live at home, and now I'll still be sharing space and need something discreet. Help!

Wednesday - Blowjobs for Beginners
Dear Eva,
My boyfriend wants me to go down on him but I'm so nervous! I have a terrible gag reflex and I don't want to barf on him. I don't want him to think I'm stupid or clueless. Any tips?

Thursday - Pregnant from period sex?
Dear Eva,
My friend told me that a girl can't get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Is this true? I also heard a girl can get pregnant before her first period!

Friday - Sponge vs. Sponge
Dear Eva,
In the health food store, I saw some weird products in the women's health section. What's a menstrual sponge? I thought the sponge was for birth control?

This weekend, look out for Eva's informative G-spot post!

Kids will be kids: childhood secret

Dear Eva,
When I was young, I used to play games like 'I'll show you mine, you show me yours' and 'Doctor' with neighborhood children. I feel very guilty about this now... What's wrong with me?

As adults, we associate this sort of touching with sexual activity. For children, these are not usually acts of a sexual motivation, but of curiousity. As long as the activities you were engaging in were consensual and non-violent, it was all likely a part of normal childhood sexual development.

The Sibling Sexual Abuse Survivors' Information and Advocacy Network offers a list of behaviours that are considered a normal part of childhood sexual development:
Normal behaviour-
Rubs genitals before falling asleep
Explores differences between boys and girls
Is interested in watching adults go to the bathroom
Plays 'doctor' with other children
Plays house. Plays 'mommy' and 'daddy' roles

On the other hand, there are some scenarios which might be considered abuse, and these could be disturbing enough to have an impact on your adult life.

If you were engaged in sex acts that you feel were not motivated by mutual curiousity towards someone in your age group, if you were rather bullied, forced or shamed into acting on someone else's sexual demands, these experiences might go beyond the range of 'normal' childhood sexual activity.

Childhood sexual abuse doesn't just have to occur when there is a marked difference in age. According to RAINN, it can, and indeed likely should be considered abuse if there is a marked difference in age, size, power, or knowledge.

If you have been coerced or 'talked into' a sex act, examine this closely, as it may be sexual abuse. In the end, you are the only person who can determine if you need to seek help. Situations like these may require the attention of a therapist or counselor. If you are suffering from a lot of guilt, or guilty feelings are disrupting your life, talk to a mental health professional in your community, school, or church.

If you need help and don't know who to talk to, please call the free, 24/7 RAINN Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE or talk to a crisis counselor on their website at http://www.rainn.org/.

- Eva

PS. You might be surprised to know how many other young people feel the way you do. Speak up because I am positive that you are not alone!

Cleaning Sex Toys?

Dear Eva,
Is it safe to share sex toys? Will soap and water be enough to clean them?

What a great question! If you take precautions for your health and clean your toys appropriately, yes, toys can be safely shared. To know how to approach sharing your toy, you need to know the material of your toy.

Non-porous toys are made from hard plastic, glass, acrylic, Pyrex, glass, and silicone. These toys can be washed gently with warm water and antibacterial hand soap, and this will be sufficient.
If they do not contain electrical components, silicone, Pyrex and stainless steel toys can also be boiled or run through the dishwasher. Boil for 2-3 minutes before removing your toy. Silicone toys in particular can be shared safely and fully disinfected, and for this reason I highly recommend them if you plan to share your toys with your partners or to swap them between anal and vaginal use.

When you are dealing with a rubber, latex, skin-type or jelly toy, you must bear in mind that these toys are porous. Rinse them very thoroughly with warm water after washing with warm water and gentle soap; any left-behind soap can damage the material of the toy or cause irritation to the soft tissues of the body. Realistic, skin-type toys such as UltraSkin or CyberSkin should be washed with mild soap and warm water, then dusted lightly with cornstarch. This will prevent the toy's surface from becoming sticky. Do not use baby powder or talcum powder, as this has been linked to certain types of cancer.
Be aware: Even if you clean them thoroughly, these toys cannot be completely disinfected due to their porous nature.

In my opinion, the best way to keep a toy clean and yourself healthy is to cover it with a non-lubricated condom, then use a separate condom-safe lubricant. This keeps bacteria and fecal matter off the toy's surface, and is especially useful if you are planning to switch between anal and vaginal use, or if you are using the toy on multiple partners. After use in one orifice, simply remove the condom or swap it for a clean one before using it in the next. This will also extend the life of jelly and skin toys by protecting the surface.
Health risks have been associated with the use of jelly and CyberSkin toys; the sex toy experts at BabeLand recommend that a condom always be used with these types of toys.

The quick and dirty version is: for personal use in a single orifice, cleaning with soap and water should be sufficient for non-porous toys. If you want to share a toy with a partner or trade it for use in vaginal/anal play, if the toy is made from a porous material, or if it may contain harmful chemicals as in jelly and CyberSkin toys, a condom is the best way to go.

Happy playing!

- Eva

PS. If you're particularly paranoid or lazy, you might just buy a separate toy for every partner and every orifice!

Anal Anxiety

"Dear Eva,
My first anal experience was horrible, but I would love to try it again with someone new. I can become aroused and lubed up to the point where he has to stop to put on a condom, then I panic and refuse to let him in. Anything we can do to over come my anxiety that it will hurt again?"

Fear not: Your case is not hopeless.

The first and most important step is that you must trust your partner. Anal sex can be intimidating whether or not you've had a bad experience in the past, so your comfort with your partner is essential. The less you are worrying about the "what will my partner think if"s, the more you can start to relax and enjoy.

I am unsure of what you mean when you said you are aroused and lubed up -- while the anus itself is a mucous membrane, the anus and rectum do not produce their own lubricant. The anus produces a very small amount of natural mucous, but this is assuredly not sufficient lubrication for anal penetration. You will need to use another form of lubricant to help make things slide easier -- Durex Play More and Liquid Silk are two brands that I recommend for anal play. If you're feeling particularly nervous, give Adam & Eve's Desensitizing Lubricant a try! They are all water-based and condom-safe (though it's wise to check the packaging when you receive the bottle).

Part of your anxiety may be because your anus isn't seeing enough stimulation in the times leading up to, or times other than, when you begin to have anal sex. I highly recommend that you work anal stimulation into your usual sex routine. This is particularly true for women and men who masturbate, as this provides a stress-free time in which they can explore the sensations associated with anal sex without having to worry about embarrassment or pressure from their partner. Use your fingers or a slender toy with a bit of lubricant to explore this area on your own. When you feel comfortable, ask your partner to incorporate similar types of mild anal play into other sex acts -- he can massage your anus with his fingers or a knuckle, or penetrate you with his fingers or a small toy.

This should help you become acclimated to anal stimulation, and should relieve your concerns.

Good luck!

- Eva

Moving...

Hello everyone! Welcome to 'Ask Eva Anything', a convenient website where I tackle your toughest questions about sex, sexual health, and relationships.

I am in process of moving from my old, standard HTML website to this new blogger address, so I hope you will bear with me while old questions and content are transferred over. I'm going to be cleaning up articles for readability, fixing up the Amazon Associates Shop and setting you up with convenient links to other adult and sexual health resources around the web.

Got a question for me? Send it to justaskeva@gmail.com.

If you are in a crisis situation regarding rape or abuse and you live in the US, I encourage you to contact the Rape, Incest and Abuse National Network, RAINN at this number: 1.800.656.HOPE.
If you are located in Canada or another international location, please review RAINN's list of international assault resources here: http://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources

Thanks, and I hope to see you soon!

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