Anal Anxiety

"Dear Eva,
My first anal experience was horrible, but I would love to try it again with someone new. I can become aroused and lubed up to the point where he has to stop to put on a condom, then I panic and refuse to let him in. Anything we can do to over come my anxiety that it will hurt again?"

Fear not: Your case is not hopeless.

The first and most important step is that you must trust your partner. Anal sex can be intimidating whether or not you've had a bad experience in the past, so your comfort with your partner is essential. The less you are worrying about the "what will my partner think if"s, the more you can start to relax and enjoy.

I am unsure of what you mean when you said you are aroused and lubed up -- while the anus itself is a mucous membrane, the anus and rectum do not produce their own lubricant. The anus produces a very small amount of natural mucous, but this is assuredly not sufficient lubrication for anal penetration. You will need to use another form of lubricant to help make things slide easier -- Durex Play More and Liquid Silk are two brands that I recommend for anal play. If you're feeling particularly nervous, give Adam & Eve's Desensitizing Lubricant a try! They are all water-based and condom-safe (though it's wise to check the packaging when you receive the bottle).

Part of your anxiety may be because your anus isn't seeing enough stimulation in the times leading up to, or times other than, when you begin to have anal sex. I highly recommend that you work anal stimulation into your usual sex routine. This is particularly true for women and men who masturbate, as this provides a stress-free time in which they can explore the sensations associated with anal sex without having to worry about embarrassment or pressure from their partner. Use your fingers or a slender toy with a bit of lubricant to explore this area on your own. When you feel comfortable, ask your partner to incorporate similar types of mild anal play into other sex acts -- he can massage your anus with his fingers or a knuckle, or penetrate you with his fingers or a small toy.

This should help you become acclimated to anal stimulation, and should relieve your concerns.

Good luck!

- Eva