Who's The Boss

Another letter from my mailbag -- I'm sad to say that since I've been on vacation, the volume of mail has really decreased. Have I been negligent, dear readers? Please keep those questions coming!

I'm going to assume that most of my gentle readers know to what this distressed would-be dominatrix in today's post refers... But if you don't, that seems like an excellent question to email in! Remember, I don't save email addresses and will not respond to you via email unless requested. See the 'Privacy Policy' link to the right for more information about how your secrets are safe with me.

Dear Eva,
In the time since my boyfriend moved, our 'sexy conversations' over phone and text have taken a turn into dominant/submissive territory. Usually I am happy to be the sub, but every now and then I like to take control. Is there a way for us to establish roles without messing up the mood by talking about it?

One finds that early on in such a conversation -- or even in a real-life scene -- roles are often established on their own without discussion. You have undoubtedly noticed that when the two of you adopt your usual roles, there is no discussion of the matter, but rather you rely the use of various cues to indicate who's wearing the proverbial pants.

Pay attention to the sort of language your partner is using when he establishes himself in a dominant role. Does he use a lot of aggressive or assertive verbs? Does he describe what he is going to do 'to you', or what he would like to do 'for you'? Does he rely on the use of naughty names, or maybe he likes to give orders?

Take these things out of your man's bag of tricks and try them yourself. Use language that places you in a position of power, that turns you into the initiating force. "Do you know what I'd like to do to you right now?" Fill in with your favourite list of skin-tingling, submissive acts. You might suggest that he needs to be a 'good boy' in order to receive a reward. Consider orgasm control or denial -- dictate his pleasure. Think about what sounds appealing to you and try it out on him, but remember to start slowly.

Your tactics are going to vary a great deal depending on your guy. It may be that what he likes to say to you isn't necessarily something that he enjoys himself. If he responds well to a little harmless female dominance, keep the session at a low intensity until you get a chance to talk to him about it, because as always, communication is the key.

The next day, or even a few days later depending on how often you have these amorous interludes, talk to him about the session at a time when he's open to conversation. Don't bring it up in the midst of any other sexual activities -- the goal is not more word-play, but honest answers. Find out how he felt, what he enjoyed and what he didn't, where his interests lie, and share your thoughts as well. This will guide you both in your future sessions and help you to capitalize on what you both enjoyed the most.

(And although you did not mention this in your question, a word of caution: Do not allow anyone to practice bondage on their own. Self-bondage can be dangerous and even lead to death. Additionally, breath manipulation or asphyxiation is always a risky activity -- there is no guaranteed safe way to do breath-play.)

- Eva